Its 7 am. I haven't slept much again. Woke up around 5, and decided i was tired of struggling to rest. I'll lay back down soon enough, and hopefully peaceful dreams will take me. I have to be back up at 11. Ive spent the morning reading Destiny and her pet Chance's blog. This makes me happy. Aside from the envy of what they have, in their D/s relationship, I really like the way chance writes. he reminds me of neil in a lot of ways. Feeling very trepidacious about today. Master said last night before leaving that my "punishment" for not counting would come today. With "im" conversations you don't get tone or inflection, but i have a feeling its going to be very unpleasant to say the least. I don't think she was upset as much about the cigarettes as she was that I had not been obedient. I am prone to worry. its one of the many problem areas in need of serious improvement. I want her to know that she can depend on and rely on her slaves obedience. That both in light and darkness it will remain steady and true. Not being able to smoke last night for those few hours was amazingly difficult. Fear and panic set in rather quickly, I noticed that unconsciously I would search around on my bed for the pack and the lighter, before realizing what i was doing and how futile the effort was. I had enough foresight to move them both on the other side of the computer desk, so it would require intent and awareness were I to mistakenly reach for one. I tried to busy myself with work, by folding more laundry, and even saturated my hunger for something with food. Those of you who smoke know, after eating is "one of those times" when the cravings are extra strong, so this just made things worse. Something very interesting happened about halfway through that makes this day feel beautiful beyond the sleep deprivation and punishment to come. When it felt like the craving was going to kill me, the thought of cheating reared its ugly head. I knew, I could easily go off cam, into another room, presumably to get more laundry out of the dryer, and I could smoke, no one would know but me. If you've never been addicted to anything before, you might think this sounds childish, or sad, but believe me, chemicals, especially those in the brain related to pleasure and stimuli, can cause a person to do strange things. The longer the time drug out, the more creative this reasoning / voice in my head became. I rationalized my dependence on the drug, admitted I had done wrong, and the voice said, "this punishment is unreasonable, you didn't "mean" to not count. " There are always voices, always excuses, and possibilities, our reality is excessively multi faceted and complex. Just when I felt myself yearning to cave into my wants, I had what I would consider, a moment of truth and wisdom. Far greater than the longing for this substance, is the immensity of purpose I have in wanting to serve this woman. I knew then and there, that the voice had lost its favor. No rational falsehood could impede the decision once I found clarity. Leave it to my brain and its unusual process though, shortly after taking a breath and fortifying myself the want returned, and I had to then create a fortress of reasoning for my new found strength. I suspect that when we talk today Master will ask me if I was obedient and did not smoke as instructed. If I had cheated, as I so wanted too, then Id now be in an even worse position, Id have to lie, and say yes, or admit wrong doing, and face even worse circumstances. I am afraid of her punishment, but to lie to her would be worse. I couldn't imagine how awful it would feel to know that either Id been dishonest to my owner, or that I'd told her the truth, and in essence failed her not once but twice. What kind of message would that have sent. Certainly doesn't resonate with the desire to please and make her happy. If you cant tell by now, I think too much. This is just a glimmer. I wonder sometimes, if its good or bad? I think it depends primarily upon the situation. getting back to the topic at hand, I did not, in the end, loose my will, I returned to the bedroom with my laundry basket, leashed myself to the bed, and wanted to cry. kicking this habit is going to be difficult, to say the least. But i went nearly four hours with out one, and I'm still alive, still breathing. Hopefully in time I will be forgiven for my mistake yesterday. I was allowed to have one before i went to sleep, at 11. I made a dash on an index card and have not failed to keep track of each one since. its getting late, almost 8, I should probably try to sleep some more. Will likely update this later today or tonight.