A Day In The Life of A Slave

Today has seemed excessively long. Primarily due to the fact that I've had little sleep for the past week. Master came online around 1, and we have been chatting ever since. Things have gone much better today. I have remembered to keep track of my smoking. having to wait for periods of time in between each one has certainly thrown me off, but i am slowly getting more accustomed to it. Around three Master shooed me off to shower and get cleaned up / pretty for her. After returning I did more cleaning to my room, including changing the sheets on my bed and making it neat / tidy , and presentable while she went out to get some food. She had her fiancee with her when she returned whom she had already told about me. She messaged me to say that all was well and that he was okay with me being her pet. I was excessively relieved to say the least. I had already looked over his profile, and he seemed like a nice guy, but my tendency to worry sometimes knows no limits. I didn't get to actually meet him via cam this evening, Master hasn't been live thus far. I was however grateful that I got to do a task for him. Sincere slaves are aware of their blessings and certainly willing to take small steps. I was somewhat nervous and shy feeling at first, knowing he was watching me via the cam, but Master was very kind and doting, something I've grown very fond of. After the task was completed, I went online and found information describing how to braid hair. It was Masters suggestion that I find out and start practicing, and I'm happy she did. Learning to do it is hard. It requires patience, and for me at least, a great deal of concentration. I was using a mirror trying to get the parts equal, and Master suggested that I do it like she does and try to 'feel" it instead. Being a good slave, I closed my eyes and did my best to follow her example. This lead me to a thought, learning to feel the hair, is like learning to open myself even further and trust in my Masters lead. Letting go, is both a frightening and exhilarating thing. The pleasure and serenity found in surrender and obedience is well beyond my description. Tonight has been intensely emotional for me. In a good way. I almost burst out into tears earlier when telling Master how happy I was. I haven't cried in ages especially not out of gratefulness and joy. I certainly don't normally do it in front of people. Thankfully I don't think Master or her fiancee saw though, as no one mentioned it. I would have been overly embarrassed. I don't want Master to think I'm overly emotional, I just care a lot, and this lifestyle, this Woman, means a great deal to me. I'm going shopping tomorrow for supplies, both "toys" and things of general use. Of course Master insisted that I go with my hair as it is, poorly braided, whop sided, and pink hair ties. I obey, because I know it pleases her, because I love the way her rule washes over me, because I am lucky, I am her slave, her pet, her little whore, and this is our path..

Its 7 am. I haven't slept much again. Woke up around 5, and decided i was tired of struggling to rest. I'll lay back down soon enough, and hopefully peaceful dreams will take me. I have to be back up at 11. Ive spent the morning reading Destiny and her pet Chance's blog. This makes me happy. Aside from the envy of what they have, in their D/s relationship, I really like the way chance writes. he reminds me of neil in a lot of ways. Feeling very trepidacious about today. Master said last night before leaving that my "punishment" for not counting would come today. With "im" conversations you don't get tone or inflection, but i have a feeling its going to be very unpleasant to say the least. I don't think she was upset as much about the cigarettes as she was that I had not been obedient. I am prone to worry. its one of the many problem areas in need of serious improvement. I want her to know that she can depend on and rely on her slaves obedience. That both in light and darkness it will remain steady and true. Not being able to smoke last night for those few hours was amazingly difficult. Fear and panic set in rather quickly, I noticed that unconsciously I would search around on my bed for the pack and the lighter, before realizing what i was doing and how futile the effort was. I had enough foresight to move them both on the other side of the computer desk, so it would require intent and awareness were I to mistakenly reach for one. I tried to busy myself with work, by folding more laundry, and even saturated my hunger for something with food. Those of you who smoke know, after eating is "one of those times" when the cravings are extra strong, so this just made things worse. Something very interesting happened about halfway through that makes this day feel beautiful beyond the sleep deprivation and punishment to come. When it felt like the craving was going to kill me, the thought of cheating reared its ugly head. I knew, I could easily go off cam, into another room, presumably to get more laundry out of the dryer, and I could smoke, no one would know but me. If you've never been addicted to anything before, you might think this sounds childish, or sad, but believe me, chemicals, especially those in the brain related to pleasure and stimuli, can cause a person to do strange things. The longer the time drug out, the more creative this reasoning / voice in my head became. I rationalized my dependence on the drug, admitted I had done wrong, and the voice said, "this punishment is unreasonable, you didn't "mean" to not count. " There are always voices, always excuses, and possibilities, our reality is excessively multi faceted and complex. Just when I felt myself yearning to cave into my wants, I had what I would consider, a moment of truth and wisdom. Far greater than the longing for this substance, is the immensity of purpose I have in wanting to serve this woman. I knew then and there, that the voice had lost its favor. No rational falsehood could impede the decision once I found clarity. Leave it to my brain and its unusual process though, shortly after taking a breath and fortifying myself the want returned, and I had to then create a fortress of reasoning for my new found strength. I suspect that when we talk today Master will ask me if I was obedient and did not smoke as instructed. If I had cheated, as I so wanted too, then Id now be in an even worse position, Id have to lie, and say yes, or admit wrong doing, and face even worse circumstances. I am afraid of her punishment, but to lie to her would be worse. I couldn't imagine how awful it would feel to know that either Id been dishonest to my owner, or that I'd told her the truth, and in essence failed her not once but twice. What kind of message would that have sent. Certainly doesn't resonate with the desire to please and make her happy. If you cant tell by now, I think too much. This is just a glimmer. I wonder sometimes, if its good or bad? I think it depends primarily upon the situation. getting back to the topic at hand, I did not, in the end, loose my will, I returned to the bedroom with my laundry basket, leashed myself to the bed, and wanted to cry. kicking this habit is going to be difficult, to say the least. But i went nearly four hours with out one, and I'm still alive, still breathing. Hopefully in time I will be forgiven for my mistake yesterday. I was allowed to have one before i went to sleep, at 11. I made a dash on an index card and have not failed to keep track of each one since. its getting late, almost 8, I should probably try to sleep some more. Will likely update this later today or tonight.

Its a learning Process

My Day was filled with activity. This morning I woke up around 3 am , and just couldn't go back to sleep. I tried, unsuccessfully to get more than a couple more hours of rest, in about one hour increments. Eventually i was awakened by Masters phone call around 3 pm. My entire body wanted so badly just to lay there and rest, but I got up and started chatting with her on yahoo. Shortly after I started cleaning my room, which was in a major state of disrepair. I moved the cam as I went along so she could watch me work. I started and finished a couple of loads of laundry in between. Everything was going really well, until that is, it was realized that I'd inadvertently been disobedient. Master had told me to start keeping count of how many cigarettes I had during the day and that my limit was thirty. So this evening she asked me how many id had so far today, and of course, I didn't know. This led to a lot of shame and guilt on my part. I could tell that she was disappointed in me. I am being punished by not being able to smoke again for several hours until i got to bed. This is hell, my body craves its chemicals, craves familiar motions and the like, but worse is the understanding that I let her down. I am certainly going to be more attentive to what she says in the future. I want to serve this woman well, I want her to be as pleased in owning me as she can be. Im going to bed soon, my body and mind are exhuasted. Will update tomorrow.

Foundation

This journal will serve as a record for both my Master and I. She is "the light of all lights" and I desire to please her in all that I do. I hope, in time, to become the best slave I can possibly be. To evolve into a servant worthy of her time, attention, pain and affection. I can think of no greater thing, than the bond between a Master and slave. May the fates look kindly upon us, may our destinies intertwine in the mystical spiral of infinity. My cup runnith over with joy, I can do little to describe the immensity of this feeling, as it would be no easier than a painters poor attempt to capture natures true majesty. My love burns for her as the sacred, undying blue flame. It is ever present, long after all else has long since faded away. The hour grows late for me, and I must try to rest before the night is over. In future posts I'll introduce us, and try as best I can to chart our progress along the way.